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| Okay. So I have a game plan to get me through the next three weeks, which consist of: DOOM, our midterm trip to Paris and Brussels, sandwiched on the other end by another double-dose of DOOM in the form of the ever-deadly essay/midterm combo.
Yeah. Scary. It's just that scary. BUT! Have worked out a plan that will hopefully get me through it, which consists of basically sleeping, eating, researching, and writing until I get rid of that sense of impending DOOM that's been hanging over me for the past five weeks. (Have I used that word enough yet?)
But after that all will be easy-peasey (haha I wish) until exam time, interjected with random trips to random European islands.
Problem is, I don't really know how this fits into my overall game plan for life - not that I expect to have anything figured out at all. I made a deal with myself, though, that I'd get it straight by the end of this summer. Well, not a formal deal or whatever, but I think I'll know a lot more about myself by the time I come back to Vancouver in August. And, I dunno. I had this really nice conversation with my room mate one night about how we shouldn't underestimate ourselves...or that we shouldn't keep ourselves from dreaming big, or aiming high. I don't think I'm afraid of hard work or anything - I'm all too familiar with what it feels like to work really hard and still not be good enough, and with failure, and rejection - I just don't know what I'm working towards, that's all. And all that leaves me with is the hope that if I just try my best at whatever I do, things will hopefully become clearer eventually.
But I guess that's a perfectly acceptable thing to feel at this age. You know, doubt and insecurity about the future and all that good stuff. Right now all I want to do is travel, and gape at the beautiful things I see, and accept the fact that I'll have to lose my way for a little while before I can find myself and who I am and what I value - even if that means getting totally lost down sketchy Italian alleyways or whatnot.
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| Dude. So I've totally reverted to my old lazy slob ways.
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| • I eat when I'm bored, anxious, stressed
• I cross my fingers and gesticulate unnecessarily when I do public-speaking, and then end everything I say with "or stuff like that..."
• I sing "doo doo doo doo" or talk gibberish in attempts to fill awkward silences
• I laugh automatically and say "That's hilarious!" at things even when I don't find them funny.
• I throw things on the ground rather than put them away neatly, and just let the pile grow until it impedes my ability to walk through my room
• I rip my food up into pieces (it's a thing from when I had braces) before I eat it, and tend to use my fingers in lieu of utensils
• I compare prices for absolutely everything
• I wander through grocery stores envisioning all the good things I could potentially eat, but never end up buying anything
• I take unacceptably frequent Facebook breaks while studying
• When I put my earphones on, I tend forget to plug the other end into my laptop, and my music ends up being broadcasted around the room without me realizing
• I never use my pinky fingers when I type
• I fall asleep almost automatically while using public transit
• I refuse to wear sweaters when I'm at home, and then complain about the cold (yay for free heating in dorm rooms!)
• I get twitchy when I drink coffee, and have developed some kind of placebo-y dependence on tea | | |
| I was reading my old Xanga blogs (yes I know, I should be studying for my very very important Politics final exam tomorrow), and I was for some reason filled with this sense of longing. I don't know what for.
Will speculate more after I'll be able to allow my brain to contain non-academic subject matter.
I think I'm going to blog again. In the old days of candid-ness and saying things just because I could.
But after Politics.
Life will resume after exams.
Next time I write, I think I'll be in London. | | |
| It's been four months, and it's hard to gauge how much I've changed. I'm still Amanda, but I have a different voice. I have a different outlook. I act and react differently. My lifestyle's radically changed. It's funny because I'm still the same Amanda inside, but I present myself differently in this new environment. So does that mean I've changed?
Every single thing that I do or experience in life so far has only humbled me even more. All of the things that I've had the privilege of doing and seeing and experiencing has opened up my mind to so much more. I'm learning for the sake of learning now. I don't have to over-reach beyond schoolwork in order to gain self-definition and a sense of purpose. There's this sense of empowerment to all of my classes, and the idea of self-discovery through learning is so refreshing. I sound like such a nerd, but I love going to class and I love the work that we're doing, and the professors are so amazing–I have so much respect for their who they are and all the crazy things they know and share with us.
My life is constituted now of school, and travel. So basically I study like mad from Monday to Thursday, and then escape into Europe in a wonderfully whirlwind adventurous way. I absolutely love the notion that you can run away to Spain, or Poland, for a few days and be back in time for 2pm Art History class. I am so in love with Europe. I've been bitten by the travel bug, and I don't think I ever want to get over this sickness.
Sometimes this wave of surrealism overtakes me–if you told me a year ago that I'd be studying in a castle in England, I wouldn't believe you, and I probably wouldn't have considered the possibility at all. I've got no regrets whatsoever about being here. It just motivates me to try the best that I can while I'm here, and to experience as much as I can humanly taken in. When I come back next year, I know I'm going to have to work my butt off to pay for all of these expenses, but that's just a fact of life.
I'm probably going to feel so restless living at home, but I'll try to make the best of the situation. But home is not for another 6 months, so maybe I'll feel differently then.
I'm so happy right now. It's a beautiful December afternoon–the warmest, driest December that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I just came out of my Philosophy exam, and I've got one more. I decided this year that I don't care about the marks that I get, and that I'm just going to try my own individual best. Oh man, but sitting for prolonged periods of time without any exercise has made me really antsy. I really want to just go frolick through the fields with the sheep and rabbits, but there's still work to be done =(.
I'm going to go and start working on Politics now. As soon as the exam is over on Monday, I'm training into London, and leaving for Lille the next day!!! So excited! Lille will be my first time traveling alone, so hopefully all will go over well. Wish me luck!
Next term I think this is what I'm going to be taking:
Politics
History
Philosophy
Human Geography
Macroeconomics
And hopefully I'll be able to sit in on:
Art History
Moral Issues
OPERA?!! HECK YEAH!
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